Are we talking (you ask) about an obsession to win? Or ‘winning’ having the highest score among obsessions? Both, I guess. But here, addressing the former.
I hate to play chess because I rarely win. When I play and don’t win, I can observe an interesting tendency to get pissed off and want to throw the board at my triumphant opponent (or throw the computer out the window). And trying to squelch this tendency and force myself to feel differently hardly ever helps. I can usually control the physical part, of course, but then I am forced to verbally attack.
Why do I have to win? What will be better or different in the scheme of things? How does my ego think winning elevates it more than graceful good-sportsmanship? There are two of us, and most likely, my opponent is someone I love profoundly, yet if s/he beats my I want to punch her/him in the face! Shouldn’t I, according to my ultimate ideal, be elated at their good fortune? Be congratulating them on their accomplishment? (however UNlofty…it’s ME, after all)
So here is the real thing. I sometimes have the same tendency when it comes to discussions (arguments). I find myself thinking one thing I’d like to communicate, but the words pouring from my mouth sound exactly like verbal jousting. Why has communication (or the attempt at it) become just another competition? And why does it feel like something I have to try to win? I’m not doing this on purpose! I really, really WANT to communicate love in an unconditional and non-judgmental way, but I usually end up defending myself, and falling back, yet again, into the ‘finding fault and placing blame’ dance.
So, then the contest becomes who can discover the most number of faults, and blame the other for the largest number of failures? The failure usually sited is, of course, not taking responsibility for how the other person feels. And no matter how hard I try to avoid this very confrontation (since we alone can choose how we feel), it becomes the gist of any discussion that dissolves into an argument. It’s like our egos know that if we get past the stupid shit, they will have to surrender themselves in the name of something higher, like, say, real communication. Heart communication. And where egos dominate, hearts are seldom apparent.
I believe that the content is always less important than the desire to communicate on a deeper, more profound level, where egos fear to tread. I also believe that if I nurture my awareness of this, it will serve to carry me further toward my goal.
My heart must be patient with my ego. Another good start. Perpetually starting.
