Paradise Perspective

Any path toward anything must, by association, be beset with challenges. In order to accomplish any type of growth or progress, whether physical, intellectual, or spiritual, challenges to be met are inherent in it’s nature.

While in town for provisions yesterday, my Rosie (who has avidly participated in my ten-day diet for the first four days) was mortified to discover that we would NOT be getting fast food or Mexican for lunch. Insisted that she can’t keep up eating like this without some “real food”. After an afternoon of serious discomfort, I was able to ease her into the idea that she not give up. She really has done so well–even taking the specified meals to work and resisting on her own the temptations of candy and soda. She has lost 5 pounds and knows (on some level) how proud and great she will feel after we reach our 20 pound goal. She conceded to not give up, but we had pesto for dinner (w/ww pasta), and she might be thinking that the days of fruit and vegs are over. We will see later today.

Facing challenges of my own on a different front. In the process of understanding the power of the energy we generate through our thoughts and emotions, my goal is, of course, to be not only conscious of what they are in any given moment, but to also consciously generate certain positive energy as a rule. My challenge seems to be getting any energy up at all.

However, observing that I am pretty much at peace all the time, remembering to relax into it in times of heat (“crap, I f’d that up and must pull out several rows to change it!”), is much less of a challenge than it used to be. It could be that peace itself is the best of all energies, which is, sort of, the absence of any energy at all. I suspect, though, that at some point, I will be able to identify an ideal energy for whatever the circumstance, and generate it spontaneously as opposed to having to change from one energy to another.

Saving myself a step, as it were.

The toothache started a snowball of painful things.  Migraine headache for a couple of days, etc.

Integrating physical pain is probably the most difficult thing for me.  I can get that whatever is hurting is a result of choices I have made.  For what purpose is where it gets murky.  I think we cause ourselves specific physical sensations to point out something NOT physical.  But the symbolism sometimes escapes me altogether.  A headache can go so many different ways symbolically.

Now, when my ears get plugged up, I believe I’m trying to tell myself to “listen” better to something or someone.  Same if my eyes itch or burn or whatever, I say “What am I not seeing?”  And whether it makes any sense or not, I can usually find something to change my mind about and grow from it.  This perspective also serves as a way to integrate whatever the discomfort is.  Accepting that a “teacher” is present (and the acceptance of the possibility of a lesson) usually  results in the pain subsiding considerably.  This is because of the change in generated energy:  going from “poor me, I hurt” to “ok, why have I brought myself here?”  There is a relaxation that happens when I stop resisting the pain and try getting to “know” it.

Once there, I can either open myself up to possibilities, or wallow in self-pity.  I’m getting better at paying attention to what I feel and why, and even sometimes being able to change how I feel to something  at least more productive.

But serious pain still kicks my ass.   Give me emotional shit any day.

The time has finally come.  However disgusted I have been with myself has never, ever helped.  However much I’ve tried to love my fat self,  that has never helped either.  I’m not exactly sure what’s different, now, but I don’t miss the coffee, the butter, even the chocolate!!  The foods that I’m eating taste just fine, and I’m never hungry–in fact I have a little trouble finishing the meals proposed!  Only once in the past week did I not actually enjoy a meal, and I might be able to skip that one altogether!

I wasn’t going to share this, but I can’t contain myself.  The feeling is right this time.  It’s not a punishment, it’s a reward.  Maybe for just getting to this point, maybe for letting go of the specific motivational factors (how I look, my health, my endurance, my flexibility) in deference to the process itself.  Really.  I do think about being smaller, but I’m not focused there as much as doing what I’m doing in the moment.  Be the outcome what it may, I’m halfway through the first leg, and right on target.

On another note, I started reading Bruce Lipton’s “Biology of Belief”, a very informative study of current scientific status concerning cellular physics, genetics (the debunking of the Human Genome projects), and the effects of energy on all the microscopic processes.  He will be getting into the quantum thing next, I presume.  Can’t wait–I love this shit!  It’s going to boil down to the idea that we control our realities with our thoughts and feelings, I just know it.  (What else–the things that support my perspective/beliefs/countenance are inexorably attracted to me).

Anyway, it’s a great day–42 right now, and sunny.  Also, drying outside nicely.  I will hike extensively today to gather more positive energy from nature and spread my own!!

Are we talking (you ask) about an obsession to win? Or ‘winning’ having the highest score among obsessions? Both, I guess. But here, addressing the former.

I hate to play chess because I rarely win. When I play and don’t win, I can observe an interesting tendency to get pissed off and want to throw the board at my triumphant opponent (or throw the computer out the window). And trying to squelch this tendency and force myself to feel differently hardly ever helps. I can usually control the physical part, of course, but then I am forced to verbally attack.

Why do I have to win? What will be better or different in the scheme of things? How does my ego think winning elevates it more than graceful good-sportsmanship? There are two of us, and most likely, my opponent is someone I love profoundly, yet if s/he beats my I want to punch her/him in the face! Shouldn’t I, according to my ultimate ideal, be elated at their good fortune? Be congratulating them on their accomplishment? (however UNlofty…it’s ME, after all)

So here is the real thing. I sometimes have the same tendency when it comes to discussions (arguments). I find myself thinking one thing I’d like to communicate, but the words pouring from my mouth sound exactly like verbal jousting. Why has communication (or the attempt at it) become just another competition? And why does it feel like something I have to try to win? I’m not doing this on purpose! I really, really WANT to communicate love in an unconditional and non-judgmental way, but I usually end up defending myself, and falling back, yet again, into the ‘finding fault and placing blame’ dance.

So, then the contest becomes who can discover the most number of faults, and blame the other for the largest number of failures? The failure usually sited is, of course, not taking responsibility for how the other person feels. And no matter how hard I try to avoid this very confrontation (since we alone can choose how we feel), it becomes the gist of any discussion that dissolves into an argument. It’s like our egos know that if we get past the stupid shit, they will have to surrender themselves in the name of something higher, like, say, real communication. Heart communication. And where egos dominate, hearts are seldom apparent.

I believe that the content is always less important than the desire to communicate on a deeper, more profound level, where egos fear to tread. I also believe that if I nurture my awareness of this, it will serve to carry me further toward my goal.

My heart must be patient with my ego. Another good start. Perpetually starting.