The Last Leaf (a poem)

November 8, 2009 at 1:38 pm (Uncategorized)

I am the last leaf to fall

In the spring, I burst forth
With the rest of them
I was rich and dark green
Photosynthesizing the elements
I soaked up energy from sun and rain
I nursed earthy nutrients from the momtree

Now, I hold on tenaciously
And wave to those going before me
Unobstructed, the view is lovely
My green is now yellow, now red
I wait for the wind to come out of the north
Turning slightly to catch it,
I let go, sailing southward into the hollow
Dancing, floating, liberated.
My whole life was for this

Next, I become earthy nutrients
To dance with next year’s Last Leaf

2 Comments

New Leaf?

June 15, 2009 at 11:55 pm (life)

I for sure didn’t think it would happen so fast!!  But here it is:

001

002

We bought a Caravan.  Didn’t think we’d ever do car payments again, but I never had such a low interest rate in my whole life!  It was a great price, the car is in great shape, and we feel so blessed.  Here’s the “new leaf”:  always before, our vehicle situation has been precarious,  never knew what would run, when, or for how long.  But now we are smelling like roses, and our situation is such that we’ll never have to center our plans around whether we have a car that works or not, because we will always have a car that works.

Amen.

5 Comments

Loving Without Conditions

January 17, 2009 at 3:33 pm (Uncategorized)

I haven’t posted much lately, because I have begun a project (one I have systematically begun and abandoned many times) that I decided not to journal here, because of my tendency to abandon. It has occurred to me, however, that my ability to see it through is very much related to my ability (inability) to love myself without conditions.

So much of my focus has been on judging other people and what they can or can’t do in this regard. This is a subconscious technique we all use to deceive ourselves into thinking it’s not about us. Whether or not someone else loves me (or anyone else) with (or without) conditions is all my ego cares about. When I can get out of my own way, it becomes obvious that if I were to love myself in this limitless way, I would be liberated from the necessity of any and all judgments about anything or anyone else!!

We are all loved without conditions by the Source of all Love and Life. How I love (with all the ways I think it is correct to do so) pales in that Light. If I’m so busy evaluating MY light, or that of someone else, how it should or should not be, I’m missing the blessing that is perpetually bestowed. And I will not be in the amazing flow of it in that moment.

So, as part of my project, I am attempting to remind myself (with the help of my zen clock that boinks hourly) to be gentle first with me. If I can practice this to automaticity (I made that up), it will be also automatic for me to be gentler with others. I believe this.

Relaxing is the key, and then I can start looking at the conditions that need to be eliminated consciously.

5 Comments

New Year’s Eve

December 31, 2008 at 4:11 pm (life)

I am at home with Rose, Fran, Grayson and River. My husband (and faithful servant) is in Virginia Beach with Fran’s. They are changing drainage pipes and sewer exhaust thingys, and so we thought it would be better if the rest of us vacated the premises.

The interesting thing is this: I never tend the fire, feed the animals, cook, do dishes or watch the weather. I am not only here without the doer of all those things, but also have guests!! Mind you, I am completely capable of performing all these services, I just never have to any more!!

So today, while enjoying the opportunity to participate in our everyday warmth and feeding, I’m also feeling extremely grateful to my J for doing all he does for us, so that I’m free to do other things: Spin, knit, weave.

We are under a winter storm watch, it’s snowing and 20 degrees. We’re totally fine, but I look forward to having J back.

Happy New Year to all (my eleven readers)!!

6 Comments

Been Tagged

December 5, 2008 at 8:34 pm (Uncategorized)

Benni did it so I will, too: 8 things:

TV shows:
1. House MD
2. All the CSIs (that’s 3)
5. My name is Earl
6. Two and a half Men
7. Scrubs
8. my best favorite, Bones.

Did yesterday:
1.Finished Hannah’s sweater
2. Worked on John’s socks
3. Started a dance skirt
4. Ate a sandwich
5. Petted Lady
6. Cleaned the toilet
7. Threw out some stuff I couldn’t recognize in the fridge
8. Wrote some emails.

Look forward to:
1. Seeing the kids and grandkids
2. Madeline finishing her diss
3. Christmas
4. Visiting mom and dad at New Years (maybe)
5. Gas back down to $1 a gallon
6. Taking a yoga class
7. The rest of my life
8. Being able to withhold judgment and love without conditions.

Favorite restaurants:
1. Max and Erma’s (tortilla soup)
2. China buffet
3. La Carreta
4. Famiglia
5. What’s that sandwich place with the jalepeno cheese flatbread
6. Panera
7,8. Wherever I am and I’m hungry.

Wishlist:
1. Navigator
2. Unlimited travel resources
3. More time with favorite people
4. Health and happiness for all (NOT cheesy, Meg!)
5. Negativity being integrated for the purpose of growth and learning (as opposed to being an opportunity for finding fault and placing blame)
6. Tolerance expanding and evolving into embracing of diversity
7. Understanding the profound essence that is creative energy (God).
8. I can’t think of another one.

OK, I’m tagging LooseMoose, Nosparetime, and academom.

1 Comment

So Retarded

July 13, 2008 at 1:24 pm (life)

First, it’s been so long since I posted–and my computer has been through some changes–that I had to get a new password to log on.

Second, I still can’t load pictures by myself. It’s not that I’m so stupid, it’s laziness. If I can get someone else to do it, I just let them and don’t pay attention to the process. So then the next time I want pics loaded, I am a slave to the more advanced minds of others (John, Madeline, Fran), none of whom are available right now.

The end of June was my first family reunion in three years. Mom and dad are 88 this year, and the party was in conjunction with dad’s b’day. Of the 4 daughters, 12 grandkids and 20 greats, only 2 greats were not in attendance. It was great fun–there was much singing and playing of music, much playing of ultimate frisbee and bean-bag throw. We thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company and are looking to do it again in 2010!! We call our reunions “Frankstock” and make T-shirts and everything.

Since the reunion weekend, I have had grandkids on the mountain. If you read me last summer, you know that these times are my best opportunities for practicing the hardest spiritual principles: Patience, selflessness, long-suffering (endurance), etc. I have to say that I have come a long way. The treatise on loving without conditions (Paul Ferrini) has given me the best tools. Consciously remembering that nothing a kid does (or says) is more important than my loving them (being love) has totally undermined my natural tendency to lose it. More often than not, I have been able to take a deep breath and talk softly about whatever it is. Letting myself feel love for them instead of anger over the spilled milk (or whatever), seems to have established an atmosphere of peacefulness. We still have issues, of course, but the focus is on an ideal, rather than the immediate effects (of past thoughts).

With projects on the back burner, I’ve been taking stock of inventory and possibilities and looking forward to an especially productive fall season. I am loving life.

2 Comments

Limbo

June 12, 2008 at 3:08 pm (Uncategorized)

A very strange thing is happening right now.  Tears roll down as I attempt to communicate something here.  I feel so sad and unmotivated because first, if I am going to focus on projects and family/life–I will need to master the operation of camera and transfer of camera data.  Second, whenever I think about writing about my life and NOT writing about what my life MEANS, I just cry.

2 Comments

Contentious Neighbors

April 1, 2008 at 9:34 pm (Uncategorized)

In the seven years since we’ve been on this mountain, no one has lived close by.  Last summer, a young couple moved in to the house at the bottom.  I have spoken to them on several occasions and made every effort to establish a friendly rapport.  Silly me.

Yesterday J and I hiked down to our mailbox (which is right by their house), and while we were retrieving our mail, S(the guy) came by in his car and stopped.  He doesn’t want my sheep around. Since the gate which used to be on their porch has somehow been disabled, my animals go there.  I’m not so sure it happened more than once, but he was agitated and demanding that I fix it.

Granted, he is in the right, legally and ethically.  But he is so angry.

In my desire to be communicative and have peace with these people, I tried to engage in an exchange concerning possible solutions.  But because his only concern was righteous anger (finding fault, placing blame), adult communication was not an option.  John tried to coerce me off up the hill, but I got sucked in.  Even though he’s right, I wanted him to be nice about it, and because he couldn’t be, I reverted back to my old self.  I can be oh so self righteous as well.  Told him he was being a dick after he threatened to take a shit on my porch.

I finally left promising to sweep off any sheep turds I see until we can figure something else out.  This morning I put them a baby gate up where their broken one used to be.  (I’m trying to make a vague reference here to the fact that they destroyed the thing that kept the sheep off).  When we returned from S-ville, the gate was on the ground by our mailbox.  A feeble attempt at resolution, but nonetheless an attempt.

After J and I talked about it, we think that S (the guy) might just really need something to control.  Then J saw another neighbor who indicated that S wants to control everything and everybody, and is not getting along with anyone around here.

I do not want to have enemies for my nearest neighbors.  And I do not want to be consumed with anxiety over this contention (or any).  Whatever will unfold in regard to this situation, I’m trusting the universe to guide me when action is needed, and send love and blessings the rest of the time it occurs to me.

I’m so different than I used to be.

1 Comment

Projection

March 6, 2008 at 2:55 am (philosophy)

The thing that is happening now, is that instead of me being able to monitor my own thoughts before speaking energy I don’t want to speak, I’m much more inclined to notice what YOU are saying and question your intentions. “Do you really want to be putting out THAT energy?” Etc.

It has always been a sort of first step for me in any such endeavor: project my intention onto my loved ones and “guide” them toward the result that I myself am aspiring to.

However annoying it might be to them, however, it IS a way for me to become more mindful of those things my own self, and it DOES help. I am paying more attention to the things I speak, and ultimately speaking less “trash” (unproductive energy) and more desirable subject/object matter.

It’s fun.

2 Comments

Dark Chocolate and Herbal Tea

February 22, 2008 at 9:09 pm (Uncategorized)

A good breakfast, no?

Tamarack was a bust. They don’t buy your stuff if you use a published pattern. Peacock Feathers shawl was designed by Dorothy Siemens for Fiddlesticks knitting patterns–I couldn’t have designed it, but am grateful for those who DO design so I have something to do!!!

The prescreener guy loved all my hats, though, and encouraged me to take them for jury (they ARE my own designs), even though the flyer/handout thingy said they were NOT looking for hats or other knitted accessories. I really don’t want to just be making hats to sell, anyway. Plus I thought the Guitar straps (handwoven hemp) would be better received and they were summarily dismissed.

Another discouraging thing was pricing. He encouraged me to charge what I think I’m worth (one of my favorite things to think about), but reiterated often that the mark-up is 100%. So what I charge, they double it to resell.

I’m not disappointed, however. I went there to find out the procedures and logistics of selling to (at) Tamarack, and we found out. John thinks we can do better on our own–either a website or ebay. Or both.

I really don’t need the income, but was hoping to help with student loan pay-back. Not giving up.

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