I am the last leaf to fall

In the spring, I burst forth
With the rest of them
I was rich and dark green
Photosynthesizing the elements
I soaked up energy from sun and rain
I nursed earthy nutrients from the momtree

Now, I hold on tenaciously
And wave to those going before me
Unobstructed, the view is lovely
My green is now yellow, now red
I wait for the wind to come out of the north
Turning slightly to catch it,
I let go, sailing southward into the hollow
Dancing, floating, liberated.
My whole life was for this

Next, I become earthy nutrients
To dance with next year’s Last Leaf

Since I posted last, I have been back to Chicago twice to help my sisters with my folks. Stressful times. Dad has been on his cath for a few months. I think I mentioned somewhere earlier that it is permanent. This means that someone has to put dad to bed and get him up in the morning. The nighttime bag hangs on the bed frame, and the daytime bag is attached to his leg with elastic bands. The details of this process can easily be imagined. The most difficult part is that each time we change, dad wonders what all this stuff is.

This last time, we have added brushing teeth and shaving. He still does the teeth himself, but must be monitored. We shave him.

He tried so many times to talk–wanting to engage or connect with me–but is unable to complete a sentence before losing the thought. Trying to smile and pat his hand, or hug him and give him some assurance that we are most assuredly connected regardless, was little comfort to him, I think.  He usually knew who I was, or he pretended he did.  Once he asked if I was one of his, and once he asked me if I was the oldest or what.

He is on a waiting list for a room at a nursing home, but it could be the first of the year before one of the residents dies to make room.  I have some apprehension concerning his ability to adjust, but it will be a great relief to my mom and sisters who are all angels.

On the home front, John has made some awesome improvements here.  Since I’m a moron with a camera, J will have to get me some shots to post, which I will, soon.

Missed you guys.

It’s hard to remember and be mindful of the fact:  We have been conditioned (or, rather, have collectively conditioned ourselves) to see everything backwards.  For sure.  Everything in materiality is a RESULT of energy already generated.  If a situation is undesirable, changing the causative energy is the only possible course of action.

Also, our energy is not the result of the situation.  It is the choice we make in response.  The anger I feel at your stupidity is not the result of your stupidity, it is my evaluation and judgment of it.  MINE.  I am the only one responsible for how I feel.  Ever.  I always have the choice to see your perfection and respond with amazing love to anything, without the judgments and evals.

In a very real sense, our choice to not see the perfection (God) in everyone and everything, is the cause of all our dificulties.  And so whatever challenges we face are our gifts to ourselves for the  purpose of growth and expansion.

Any path toward anything must, by association, be beset with challenges. In order to accomplish any type of growth or progress, whether physical, intellectual, or spiritual, challenges to be met are inherent in it’s nature.

While in town for provisions yesterday, my Rosie (who has avidly participated in my ten-day diet for the first four days) was mortified to discover that we would NOT be getting fast food or Mexican for lunch. Insisted that she can’t keep up eating like this without some “real food”. After an afternoon of serious discomfort, I was able to ease her into the idea that she not give up. She really has done so well–even taking the specified meals to work and resisting on her own the temptations of candy and soda. She has lost 5 pounds and knows (on some level) how proud and great she will feel after we reach our 20 pound goal. She conceded to not give up, but we had pesto for dinner (w/ww pasta), and she might be thinking that the days of fruit and vegs are over. We will see later today.

Facing challenges of my own on a different front. In the process of understanding the power of the energy we generate through our thoughts and emotions, my goal is, of course, to be not only conscious of what they are in any given moment, but to also consciously generate certain positive energy as a rule. My challenge seems to be getting any energy up at all.

However, observing that I am pretty much at peace all the time, remembering to relax into it in times of heat (“crap, I f’d that up and must pull out several rows to change it!”), is much less of a challenge than it used to be. It could be that peace itself is the best of all energies, which is, sort of, the absence of any energy at all. I suspect, though, that at some point, I will be able to identify an ideal energy for whatever the circumstance, and generate it spontaneously as opposed to having to change from one energy to another.

Saving myself a step, as it were.

Been busy, but it’s not an excuse. Have enjoyed traveling to visit, and having all of my grandkids here at some point over the last month (and all of my kids!).

I’m making another trip to Chicago this week to take up the slack for my sisters for a few days.

But the real reason for my silence is that I’m dancing with some ideas that I’m not quite ready to clarify and express. Notice that I’m now ‘dancing’ rather than ’struggling’.

Some of the ways in which I perceive this reality have morphed interestingly. Instead of understanding the different way I might need to be, I’m somewhat closer to being already there. Several times while the kids were here, and we engaged in our habitual response to the stress, I was right there. My body is still doing the same things for the most part, but I’m able to objectify more readily. This facilitates deeper understanding not only of the process, but the unlimited options available to us (me) minute by minute.

As I said before, I’m not quite ready to express all of this in a coherent way yet, but it seems to be commencing unfoldment. Relaxing continues to be the key.

This is definitely something I will work on if I keep blogging.

We went on the road for the 4th and hit:  Chicago, Omaha, Lincoln, Grand Island, and Council Bluffs (Neola).  And I didn’t take any pictures.  J has a new camera, so I figured he’d be all over everyone taking them, but he was waiting for me to tell him, and I was busy!

Spent a day with my folks, and all my sisters were there. 

Saw several friends on Friday and music buddies that night. (no pics)

Sat., in Iowa, partied with former band mates and their extended families.  Played music all day and then watched fireworks.  (me and Smitty playing)

Sunday, partied with some of J’s family in O after driving to GI to see his mom.  Saw Inta and Mary Lou (sisters) and met 4 of his grand-nieces–all just dollys.  (He took a picture of them)

I’m so grateful to Inta and Sue G for hosting get-togethers for us.   We got to see more people we love that way!!

Long-ass drive, but well worth it:  J drove mostly, and if it’s light out, I’m knitting!

Love my mountain, though!  Always good to get back home.

I for sure didn’t think it would happen so fast!!  But here it is:

We bought a Caravan.  Didn’t think we’d ever do car payments again, but I never had such a low interest rate in my whole life!  It was a great price, the car is in great shape, and we feel so blessed.  Here’s the “new leaf”:  always before, our vehicle situation has been precarious,  never knew what would run, when, or for how long.  But now we are smelling like roses, and our situation is such that we’ll never have to center our plans around whether we have a car that works or not, because we will always have a car that works.

Amen.

We have four vehicles.  They are all insured, have current tags and inspection stickers.  Three of them are sitting there.  Toyota truck needs an alternator, Jeep needs a leaf spring, Justy needs I’m not sure (drive chain? tranny?).

Aerostar, 1995, with over 250,000 miles, is the one that works.  The one I DON’T want to use except for road trips.  Save it, I say.  It still runs great, has the least amount of rust, the most amount of room, and gets better gas mileage than the Jeep.  Daily driving will just tear it up.

But it’s our only car right now, so we are driving it every day.

I’m sure grateful for it, it has sure come a long way with us, and it might be my favorite car I ever had!  But it’s old, like me.  Should be gentle with it, but this half-mile mountain driveway is anything but.

So we are in transition, yet again.  J is doing much research to guage consumer evals on many models.  With the possibility of having a mail route next year, we will take facility into consideration, etc.

It will be interesting to see what we end up with and when.  My travel plans are all on hold until this matter is resolved (duh).

On another front, I am weaving again.  Warped the loom last week for some Sweedish Huck Lace towels.  They aren’t looking much like the picture (on the pattern), but are lovely, and I’m enjoying the process.  Also, I finished knitting a beautiful bamboo lace shawl (for a friend’s 60th), and several more pairs of socks.

Now that I think of it, we really only need one car since I’m really busy here!!

The toothache started a snowball of painful things.  Migraine headache for a couple of days, etc.

Integrating physical pain is probably the most difficult thing for me.  I can get that whatever is hurting is a result of choices I have made.  For what purpose is where it gets murky.  I think we cause ourselves specific physical sensations to point out something NOT physical.  But the symbolism sometimes escapes me altogether.  A headache can go so many different ways symbolically.

Now, when my ears get plugged up, I believe I’m trying to tell myself to “listen” better to something or someone.  Same if my eyes itch or burn or whatever, I say “What am I not seeing?”  And whether it makes any sense or not, I can usually find something to change my mind about and grow from it.  This perspective also serves as a way to integrate whatever the discomfort is.  Accepting that a “teacher” is present (and the acceptance of the possibility of a lesson) usually  results in the pain subsiding considerably.  This is because of the change in generated energy:  going from “poor me, I hurt” to “ok, why have I brought myself here?”  There is a relaxation that happens when I stop resisting the pain and try getting to “know” it.

Once there, I can either open myself up to possibilities, or wallow in self-pity.  I’m getting better at paying attention to what I feel and why, and even sometimes being able to change how I feel to something  at least more productive.

But serious pain still kicks my ass.   Give me emotional shit any day.

After dancing with an especially exquisite tooth ache (decay underneath a really old crown) for a few days, and realizing I’m not quite at the stage where I can instantaneously heal myself of any and all degradation, I went to have it yanked.

Now, I have given birth on several occasions.  I had all four of my wisdom teeth extracted after 30.  I’m not going to list here every single trauma, and there are many, because they all pale in comparison to this.

Dr. Fletcher reminded me repeatedly, “Try to not yell.”  Nine shots of novacaine(sp?) did not help.  With the nerve endings (both of them) intact, I felt like Tom Hanks with the ice skate (“Castaway”).

During the highest point I had the wherewithal to think:  ‘Just let the damn thing go!!  Relax, and let him take it.’  But I couldn’t relax.  The assistant, I’m sure, must have sustained bruises on her arm.  I actually thrashed, kicking and writhing.

I asked the good Dr afterward if I am the biggest wimp ever, and he assured me that “about 1 in 70 are unfortunately that painful.”

I’m grateful for the experience of the worst pain ever, and grateful that it’s over.  Grateful that he kept going regardless of my discomfort, (or we’d still be at it!).

God bless the dentist!!