If you have boxes and boxes of old photographs, burn them. I am in the process of cleaning and downsizing, so as to more efficiently use the space we have for what we use and need. I began to look through old photos and the first pile sent me into the most profound depression. My brilliantly smiling 5 year old son struck a knife through my heart, and now I can’t stop crying. He is a 35 year old homeless person somewhere in Syracuse whom I haven’t heard from in months. I love him so much and miss him. I wish I had been different for him, but I did my best. This sucks.

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Back after a long time

I still love where I was going with this. I got lost for a significant amount of time, but I am determined to overcome my lostness and continue where I left off.
I have been embroiled in the drama of our lives, and have succumbed to my old addictions.
There are situations with me, my kids and my grandkids that are filled with sadness and opportunities for judgment and criticism. Loving myself and everyone in my life without conditions is the only way to deal with anything.

The Present

Lots of stuff going on. Charlotte is not coming back, and I am letting the whole thing go. I love her dearly and wish her blessings and love for a wonderful life.

My son’s other family, however, is coming here this weekend to live indefinitely with us. I love his woman dearly and the two boys are adorable, but he is incapable of providing for them. We have prepared to accommodate them as well as we can. I know that Priscilla had been adequately independent before she bore my son’s children, and will not be satisfied to be as secluded as we are here on the mountain, missing her friends in Syracuse, but we will address as many issues as we can until she is ready to return to the city with her boys.

I am not in the least bit apprehensive concerning the upheaval that small children will present here, and look forward to the challenge that is imminent. But it seems that all the recent challenges in my life concern my son’s inability to conform. I realize that this is somewhat my responsibility in that I did him a disservice where preparation for his life was concerned. At 33, he still does not get his role in his circumstances.

Of course, you can lead a horse to water, etc.

Getting on with it

The other day I came to a crossroad. The situation with Charlotte, my granddaughter, has consumed me for most of the summer. As I have considered many courses of action (and inaction) I found that all of my options involve communication with people who have alienated everyone who cares at all. Charlotte herself cannot be bothered with any such drivel.

After having attempted to communicate in several ways (facebook, texting and email), with no semblance of response, I am finally and forever washing my hands of this drama. I told Char that she will always be in my heart and that someday when she decides to talk to me I will be here for her.

After the decision, I cried uncontrollably with grief, but the process is evolving nicely and I’m getting closer to being able to just let it go and let the universe take care of it. All of my efforts have accomplished no change beyond my own growth. I feel as if I have planted some seeds, tho, but it’s not for me to analyze.

I can feel myself begin to rise above the anger and fear that have consumed me for so long, and the love and blessings that I desire to generate for them all is now somehow apparent (to me).

Underneath it all, there is only love.

Dark Time

My daughter Madeline, a writing professor in Pa, always encourages me to write.

I have evolved in many ways and have changed my perspective about many things, but sometimes it’s difficult to put words to my energy.  Although I have come to a place of profound peace regarding my own life and the circumstances that dance around me, it seems to become more and more challenging when addressing the dramas of the lives of my children (and grandchildren).  Accomplishing peace is one thing, but maintaining a peaceful place while observing the anxieties and struggles of the people I love is just hard.

I will be trying to not resolve the problems of others, but only work on the energy I generate in the midst of everything.  Dancing with anxiety and struggle is not going to help anyone, and puts my own peace at risk so to speak.

Another really prominent issue is my tendancy to find fault and/or pass judgement on those who have not covered the same ground I have, or are unable to see how anger, fear, jealousy and other negative energies are completely unproductive.  Circumstances notwithstanding, the only productive energy ever is Love without conditions.  It’s eliminating the conditions that I have not yet mastered.  There’s still a major tendency to analyze and evaluate the aspects of any given condition, instead of completely trusting the Universe to follow the highest frequency involved.

We are creators.  We create our futures with the energy we generate in the present.  But I can only and always create MY future.  Everyone else creates theirs.  There is no amount of my energy generation that will have any affect on anyone elses life/future.

Foiled Again

In the month since Char left with her mother, she has texted but not called once. I believe there are things about being in Flint that are more attractive to a thirteen-year-old than living on a mountain in rural WV, but I was hoping that she would feel differently than most teens and be able to appreciate the love and support here that is non-existant at her other home.

I wish it were different. I don’t think her mom and step-dad care that much about her future, since they haven’t exhibited that much concern for their own.

At any rate, it doesn’t look like she wants to come back here, or they have talked/bullied her into staying there. I’m not inclined to beat this dead horse or drag her back here kicking and screaming, but there’s still a nagging intuition about her safety and well being.

Formidable Challenge

I am sad as crap today. Yesterday Char’s mom came to get her for the summer. The meeting was five hours late because rather than follow my implicit directions to drive here, they decided to take a scenic route through the mountains.  All well and good, but my poor Charlotte was beside herself with worry since her mother could not be in communication without reception. When I told them of Char’s anxiety, they attacked her with accusations of NOT being traumatized.  I guess the important thing to them was to prove me wrong, but I was so baffled by their actions that I could not respond. There were some other things as well, but my heart is just breaking at the complete disregard for her feelings which I believe with all my soul is not only neglect, but outright abuse.

I hope that she comes back to me in one piece, but alas, I will have to deal with her being her mother for a few weeks. She is uncomfortable with praise and affection. I think it’s because there is not much of that there. She doesn’t ever express gratitude or any kind of joy in the moment. The only joy concerns the anticipation of some activity in the future, and after the fact there is more judgement of inadequacy than expression of enjoyment. It’s a pattern that is most assuredly learned.  She has never been encouraged to express positive feelings, and I wonder if the ambient atmosphere there has actually DIScouraged them.

As I said, my heart is breaking and I pray for strength and courage to try to overcome some of this badness.

We will be attempting to home school in the fall.  A daunting challenge that I hope will facilitate opportunity to integrate some moral support and self esteem.  She is beautiful and smart, but a thirteen-year-old with a completely baffling attitude.

I hope I can stop crying before she gets back.

back among the living

I am happy to see my blogsite is still here!! It has been some time since I posted. I somehow got to a place where I just didn’t have much to communicate. A lot has happened in the interim, though, and I have decided it would be good for me to resume some semblance of script.

To begin with, I am again the custodian of my granddaughter, Charlotte. She will be thirteen this summer, and I am anticipating some upheaval with her teen phase, although we are getting along quite well for the present. Embarking on a couple of challenging projects as part of her development and education and I think I will have some interesting writing to journal the progress of said challenges.

At any rate, my original purpose for this blog will begin again to shine through. Welcome to my blog if you are new and welcome back if you are a vet.

Funny Story

A couple of years ago, I purchased a silly DVD that plays Christmas songs and videos of beautiful winter vistas, snow falling in country settings, birds sitting on snow-covered branches, horses romping in snow-covered meadows, and the like. The other day, Rose and I were working together on our respective projects–she, crocheting on her blanket, I, Knitting something–and I put the DVD on.

After a few minutes, Rose started laughing.

“What’s funny?”

She first pointed at the TV screen, then pointed at (out) the window.

“It’s the same!”

It was snowing, the birds were gathering at the feeder on the deck, etc. We both laughed for a few minutes.

Later in the video, there are scenes of an open flame in a fireplace.  Just as this came on, John was opening the doors to the woodstove to add more wood. We both burst out laughing again!!

We are fun!!

The solstice is here again, dad has been dead a year, and we’re snowed in. As usual, though, we have everything we need and are blessed abundantly! Happy season!

We Have Liftoff!!

After months of working on it (and endless work to come, I’m hoping!), our website: http://www.fibredance.net/ is ready. Well, pretty much. There are a few features that aren’t finished. My “crafter’s corner” is empty right now–I want to share my designs, techniques and ideas with those who are inclined to make their own, and I have written some of the stuff, but have yet to take pictures and get it all to my webmaster.   But for the purpose of exhibiting my hand-made wares, and getting the ball rolling for “HannahFund” we are good to go.

I have so many people to thank: first and foremost, my daughter, Madeline, who did all the tech stuff, and helped with some of the text. My husband, John (who has infinite patience with me and my hair-brained schemes) and brother-in-law, Jim, have taken all the product photos.  Hannah and M (again) are my primary models.  All of my family and friends who have supported me emotionally!!

Please take a few minutes to look at the ‘site and let me know what you think!!

Wishes and blessings this holiday season!

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